I am an embarrassment. Designated Queen of Cringe with an awkward tongue.
“I’m not weird, I’m just unique” was my common retaliation to most of my Middle School stunts. Some of these included:
- getting up in front of my Grade 7 class with three other girls to sing a song we wrote about pyramids
- performing a musical theatre piece with the maths teacher to my sport class in Grade 8
- taking a selfie featuring the whole school during assembly after delivering a monologue dressed as Barbie
- creating a powerpoint about the ‘History of Memes’ and sharing it with my humanities class (my teacher was naturally very impressed)
- Delivering the phrase ‘Madame est le caca’ during a French oral. Still got an A somehow.
I was bold that’s for sure. There’s always that one kid in every class, and rest assured I was her. I didn’t fear judgement, and by the time senior school came around, I was respected for it.
Unapologetically myself in a place where not fitting in can be dangerous – high school. I was very familiar with the eye roll and resentful glare come the end of it.
In tackling adulthood, I lost a great chunk of the carefree attitude I used to possess when I was younger.
Gone were the days of the brave girl who came out to her agricultural science class as vegetarian during a pig intestine dissection. I became the one thing I always feared – quiet.
Perhaps it was my anger with the world or wanting to reinvent myself too much upon leaving home that lead me towards a more introverted lifestyle. Whatever triggered the response, it left me very much afraid of how others saw me and how I saw myself.
How self-important I had become. I remember a few moons ago I decided to “unleash the beast”. Bring out the angelic demon I truly am. You won’t believe what happened; connected with more people, relaxed my shoulders, did some silly things, but actually felt like I was a fun person for the first time in a while.
As the more authentic version of me writing this now, I can’t help but giggle at my 18 year old self. Why did I fear the cringe moments when I knew first hand that they become legendary? Besides, the only person I could ever disappoint or let down is myself, and I haven’t done that yet. When I’m awkward, cringe and weird, magically I produce my best work and attract people that fuel my soul. Here’s to being a total fruit loop.
On a final note: my mum still has the iconic assembly selfie saved as my contact image on her phone.