I wrote my very first blog post in 2017 after breaking up with my high school boyfriend. Although the post is no longer public, I find it interesting that this site is a by-product of my first relationship.
Playlist for this post:
- Things Change – Carla Geneve
- Head Cold – Spacey Jane
- Made to Fall – Wooly Mammoth
- Never Start – Middle Kids
- Caught – Florence + the Machine
I have two relationships to my name, neither of which greatly exceeded the 6 month mark.
The first was all consuming and overwhelming. My sixteen year old brain didn’t know how to manage the whirlwind of emotions. Ultimately, I did not love him. We liked each other very much, but I was way too emotionally immature for such things.
I stayed single for nearly 2 years and adored it. I had zero intentions nor desire to leave my little solo bubble. The bubble was popped in early May.
Last year I fell in love for the first time. It was fleeting, said a month before we broke up. Going from love to loss in a such a short time period resulted in a lot of tears and confusion.
Love was not on my radar. I knew how severely I felt emotions and hadn’t let myself embrace another person to that extent before out of fear and self preservation. In many ways, love is a choice, and this was the first time I was willing to let myself experience it. I am grateful I did.
A very messy 2 months prevailed from the break up as I was not equipped in nurturing a broken heart. Today, I see it as a privilege to have been touched so deeply by someone, even if it was short lived.
I cut myself immense amounts of slack for the way I did behave during the initial period of singularity and am very proud of the strength I have gained since, both physically and mentally.
Solitude is my sanctuary in many ways.
I do feel lonely at times, but am enjoying this chapter of growth. You learn the most about yourself in isolation. All I can do is try to “level up”; keep working hard on healthy, personal projects and return to old roots.
Eventually, I am sure I will open my heart to someone again, but for now I will open my heart to myself.
Every night I tell my soul I love her, and hold my physical being. I wrap my arms across my waist and sleep a bit easier.
Sophie Jane you are loved, and most importantly, loved by yourself.